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PRESIDENT BUSH: Alright! Alright! Alright! Saddam Hussein, down the toilet. Good work guys. That'll teach that towelhead son-of-a-bitch to mess with my daddy.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yessir, yessir, yessir, it's all over but the shouting now, men. No more yapping from those peacenik creeps. No more stupid jerking around at the UN. Oil prices plummeting. Rebuilding contracts all around. Life is sweet. Fuck the Democrats. Fuck Tony Blair. It's on to Teheran.
KARL ROVE: Democrats? What Democrats? Fox, MSNBC, Clear Channel, the networks, that's where the power is at. All those gas bag lap dogs creaming themselves and wiping it up with the flag. George, you're going down in history. We got the whole world groveling at our feet. I love those frogs and krauts whining about the big bucks already rolling in from that beautiful Iraqi oil. Boys, we got it all.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I must say, Karl, your idea of using Putin to slip Saddam that five billion bucks to turn tail was a master stroke. The Republican Guard took that money and ran. Saved us months of hassle and billions of dollars. What genius!
KARL ROVE: Well, the Republican Guards turned out to be a lot more Republican than guard, didn't they. Ha ha ha. They sure did have their priorities straight. A few grand in their pockets and they all headed for the coast.
PRESIDENT BUSH: What about Saddam? Where's Saddam?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Not the slightest idea, George. A little plastic surgery, a little liposuction, a good shave….he'll never be seen again. But I can tell you that Saddam Hussein today looks a lot more like Michael Jackson than Saddam Hussein. Couldn't convince anybody it was him if he tried.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Saddam and me got to be pretty good friends back when he was gassing the Iranians and the Kurds. I got him that gas, you know. He wants me to tell you he's sorry about trying to kill your dad, and he hopes you'll understand that it was just business.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You mean he's still alive?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Hell, George, he could turn up in Kennebunkport if you're not careful. He won't though. Too damn cold. I figure him for the south of France or maybe one of those sex tours in Thailand. Him and Osama. They love that stuff. Those idiot sons of his, too.
PRESIDENT BUSH: But….
KARL ROVE: Oh, hell, George, Poppy knows about Saddam slipping away. He helped set it up. Remember this about Saddam: once a Company man, always a Company man. Your daddy's buddies at the CIA trained him as a hit man right from the start. We put him in power. Then he got a little out of hand. Switching from the dollar to the Euro wasn’t smart. But did you ever believe he wouldn't leave when we told him?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Sir, if the American people ever found out….
KARL ROVE: Yeah, Tom, what? We totally control the media. We've rigged the voting machines in every precinct from coast to coast. You and John, here, can disappear anybody we want, anytime, and hold them anywhere without telling anybody. So relax. Nobody's going to mess with us, and nobody we care about is ever going lose another election in this country. Ever.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Anybody we don't like who wins an election is a known terrorist.
KARL ROVE: They'd have to be the way we've got the voting machines programmed.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well, there is one problem, gentlemen. Old Saddam lit out about a week too soon. Didn't leave us time to plant those weapons of mass destruction around the countryside. We look kindof dumb not finding any after all that whining and moaning from Colin and Condi.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Yes, but we brought democracy to the Iraqi people.
PRESIDENT BUSH, VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, KARL ROVE, SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Loud, prolonged laughter.
KARL ROVE: Not to worry, Tom. We’ll just trot out some Iraqi scientist or something. Have him say the WMDs were shipped to Syria or destroyed a few days before the war. Or we can still plant some if we have to. Whatever we do, the media will lap it up.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Maybe we can find some medical marijuana over there. Then we can slap Saddam in with those damn California pot heads.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Meanwhile, look what we did to the United Nations. First they trot out their weapons inspectors to disarm Saddam. Then we attack after the Security Council won't vote our way. And now we shut them out of the rebuilding process. We could've bombed the UN outright and not done a better job of destroying it.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I think we should bomb it anyway. The United Nations is the home of the anti-Christ. Its destruction paves the way for Armageddon.
KARL ROVE: Besides, do you think Fox will do a special on how we didn't find any weapons of mass destruction? Embedded is exactly the word for our little army of talking heads here. What's embedded are the electrodes that make them say what we want, when we want.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Damn straight, Karl. The only coverage that counts is on those Hollywood traitors like Michael Moore and Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. Don't they appreciate living in a country where people are free to speak out? Just not against us. And not during wartime, which is now forever.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, and those Dixie Chicks. I poked a bunch of that trailer trash down in Alabama when I was enrolled in the National Guard. Sure beat going to meetings. Poppy wrote me a note, though, so it was ok.
KARL ROVE: Well, they caved quick enough. I love apologies from people we've just scared shitless.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Owning Clear Channel was a great stroke, Karl. All those rock and rollers shutting up because they're afraid of losing air time. What a kick.
KARL ROVE: Nobody owns a radio or TV station in this country without answering directly to us. Every news show, every talk show, they're all embedded, right in our pocket. So you tell me: who's gonna argue with anything we say or do from now on?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Well, that Bruce Springsteen just came out and defended the Dixie Chicks on his web site. He’s Jewish, isn’t he?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You know, John, Lee Kuan Yew, who ran Singapore for us, used to open up the media and stage elections every few years just to see who would show up. All the pinkos would yell and scream. Then Lee would rig the elections and a lot of people would just turn up dead. That's what we're going to do here. Plane crashes. Car accidents. Some rare cancers. Some household mishaps. All those peaceniks are on a fast track to see Paul Wellstone. If I was Tim Robbins, I wouldn't be buying any green bananas.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Bull Durham is a known terrorist.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: So who do we attack next? How about Korea? We all know how you feel about what they did at Pearl Harbor, George.
KARL ROVE: Yeah, Don, but the Koreans have nukes and an actual army. And you never know what the Chinese will do. How about Syria? It's right next door.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes, and there are lots of Muslims there. That's how we're going to win in the long run. Franklin Graham is going to convert them all to Christianity.
SECRETARY RIDGE: There are 1.2 billion followers of Islam in the world, sir. They don't seem too happy about us trying to convert them to Christianity. Some people think now that Saddam is gone the Sunni and the Shi'ites are going to get together and kick us out. Just like Iran after the Shah.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Tom, that's our oil and nobody's going to mess with it, least of all those damn Iraqis. They can have Baghdad and the rest of that sandbox if they want. The oil is ours. Those bases are ours.
KARL ROVE: When oil prices go down, the economy goes up. Pure and simple. We need a stronger economy for 2004.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, and all those rebuilding contracts. Saddam had a pretty good infrastructure going there. Good water system. Good roads. Gonna take billions to rebuild all that. Glad we've got Bechtel and Halliburton to show them how to do it. Glad Rummy bombed the place so we can rebuild it.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: I charge by the building, Dick. When do we hit Iran?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Some serious questions were raised about your connections to Halliburton, Dick, and whether it was right for them to get these contracts.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Halliburton gets no special favors, Tom. All those contracts went to companies that pay me royalties, whether they know it yet or not.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, Dick, maybe sooner or later those people over there will figure all that out. There are only so many of them Reverend Graham can convert.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Why don't we send them all Bibles. They can read about Armageddon. Then they'll know what's about to happen to them if they don't embrace Jesus.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Actually, George, what we're sending them is depleted uranium. We've carpeted their country with it just like Clinton did to Yugoslavia. Once that stuff gets in their food and lungs they'll be dropping like flies anyway.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Their birth rate's going to sink like a stone. They can set up all the Islamic Republics they want, but Iraq will be one big cancer ward.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Pleated uranium? What are you talking about?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Many of the shells we used in Iraq have depleted uranium in them. When they explode or hit a tank the uranium pulverizes into fine dust which is highly radioactive. When people breathe it in the air or drink it in their water or eat it in their food they're virtually certain to get cancer, and their children---if they can have any---will be birth defected.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Using that uranium lets our nuke boys raise cash by selling off their waste. And it calls a rapid halt to the birth rate in a festering terrorist sanctuary like Iraq. You see enough kids born with six arms and three legs and you begin to think twice about reproducing, no matter what Allah says.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But our own soldiers have also been harmed, sir. We only took a thousand overt casualties in the first Gulf War, but now 220,000 of those vets are disabled. This time we lost only a couple hundred, if that. But a quarter-million, maybe more, could fall to the Syndrome.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Yes, Tom, the peaceniks are saying Baghdad may be the most radioactive city on earth. So what?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, sir, it gets to be quite expensive when those vets apply for benefits.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hell, we just chopped $25 billion out of the veterans benefit budget. We'll cut more if we have to. Only the dumb and the poor get sucked into military service. Lets see a show of hands: how many people in this room actually fought in a war? Ha ha ha.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, yes sir, we all had other priorities. But when veterans get angry they can be quite effective politically. They also tend to get violent.
KARL ROVE: In case you missed it, Tom, we fried a Gulf War vet right when we attacked Iraq, just to send a message. One thing we loved about Saddam: he sure knew how to use that death penalty.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Applying for veterans benefits is an admission of terrorism.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Lets just hand each vet an artifact from those museums we looted. That was fun, wasn't it Don?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well, Saddam was kind enough to hand us the keys to the serious vaults. So we let the rabble run wild upstairs for all the cameras and we grabbed the pricy stuff for ourselves.
PRESIDENT BUSH: One of those museums had the knife Abraham used to circumcise himself. What happened to it?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Abraham circumcised himself?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes. He was 100 years old at the time. God told him to do it.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well, George, if God ever tells me to do something like that, he better have Jack Daniels by his side. And a lot of him.
KARL ROVE: Or maybe Tony Blair. We took his whole unit a long time ago.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We've got it all now, boys. We divided Europe. We wrecked the UN. We conquered Iraq and then we let the Iraqis tear what was left to shreds. They’ll never recover. Meanwhile, we've got the money, the oil, the media, the voting machines. Nothing….NOTHING is going to stop us now.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, but where, exactly, are we going?
KARL ROVE: Our bloviators now demand we turn our attention to domestic issues. So, we will. We'll finish off the peaceniks. We'll shred the Bill of Rights. We'll bury regulation. We'll appoint all the judges. And we'll sit back, let those machines get us re-elected, and let the money roll in.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes, and then Armageddon.
KARL ROVE: Right. One people. One nation. One Bush.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But the rest of the world, sir. They're not too happy with us right now.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: The rest of the world, Tom? There IS no rest of the world.
Copyright c 2003 by Lee Waters
All Rights Reserved
…but feel free to circulate via the internet
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yessir, yessir, yessir, it's all over but the shouting now, men. No more yapping from those peacenik creeps. No more stupid jerking around at the UN. Oil prices plummeting. Rebuilding contracts all around. Life is sweet. Fuck the Democrats. Fuck Tony Blair. It's on to Teheran.
KARL ROVE: Democrats? What Democrats? Fox, MSNBC, Clear Channel, the networks, that's where the power is at. All those gas bag lap dogs creaming themselves and wiping it up with the flag. George, you're going down in history. We got the whole world groveling at our feet. I love those frogs and krauts whining about the big bucks already rolling in from that beautiful Iraqi oil. Boys, we got it all.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I must say, Karl, your idea of using Putin to slip Saddam that five billion bucks to turn tail was a master stroke. The Republican Guard took that money and ran. Saved us months of hassle and billions of dollars. What genius!
KARL ROVE: Well, the Republican Guards turned out to be a lot more Republican than guard, didn't they. Ha ha ha. They sure did have their priorities straight. A few grand in their pockets and they all headed for the coast.
PRESIDENT BUSH: What about Saddam? Where's Saddam?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Not the slightest idea, George. A little plastic surgery, a little liposuction, a good shave….he'll never be seen again. But I can tell you that Saddam Hussein today looks a lot more like Michael Jackson than Saddam Hussein. Couldn't convince anybody it was him if he tried.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Saddam and me got to be pretty good friends back when he was gassing the Iranians and the Kurds. I got him that gas, you know. He wants me to tell you he's sorry about trying to kill your dad, and he hopes you'll understand that it was just business.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You mean he's still alive?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Hell, George, he could turn up in Kennebunkport if you're not careful. He won't though. Too damn cold. I figure him for the south of France or maybe one of those sex tours in Thailand. Him and Osama. They love that stuff. Those idiot sons of his, too.
PRESIDENT BUSH: But….
KARL ROVE: Oh, hell, George, Poppy knows about Saddam slipping away. He helped set it up. Remember this about Saddam: once a Company man, always a Company man. Your daddy's buddies at the CIA trained him as a hit man right from the start. We put him in power. Then he got a little out of hand. Switching from the dollar to the Euro wasn’t smart. But did you ever believe he wouldn't leave when we told him?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Sir, if the American people ever found out….
KARL ROVE: Yeah, Tom, what? We totally control the media. We've rigged the voting machines in every precinct from coast to coast. You and John, here, can disappear anybody we want, anytime, and hold them anywhere without telling anybody. So relax. Nobody's going to mess with us, and nobody we care about is ever going lose another election in this country. Ever.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Anybody we don't like who wins an election is a known terrorist.
KARL ROVE: They'd have to be the way we've got the voting machines programmed.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well, there is one problem, gentlemen. Old Saddam lit out about a week too soon. Didn't leave us time to plant those weapons of mass destruction around the countryside. We look kindof dumb not finding any after all that whining and moaning from Colin and Condi.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Yes, but we brought democracy to the Iraqi people.
PRESIDENT BUSH, VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, KARL ROVE, SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Loud, prolonged laughter.
KARL ROVE: Not to worry, Tom. We’ll just trot out some Iraqi scientist or something. Have him say the WMDs were shipped to Syria or destroyed a few days before the war. Or we can still plant some if we have to. Whatever we do, the media will lap it up.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Maybe we can find some medical marijuana over there. Then we can slap Saddam in with those damn California pot heads.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Meanwhile, look what we did to the United Nations. First they trot out their weapons inspectors to disarm Saddam. Then we attack after the Security Council won't vote our way. And now we shut them out of the rebuilding process. We could've bombed the UN outright and not done a better job of destroying it.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I think we should bomb it anyway. The United Nations is the home of the anti-Christ. Its destruction paves the way for Armageddon.
KARL ROVE: Besides, do you think Fox will do a special on how we didn't find any weapons of mass destruction? Embedded is exactly the word for our little army of talking heads here. What's embedded are the electrodes that make them say what we want, when we want.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Damn straight, Karl. The only coverage that counts is on those Hollywood traitors like Michael Moore and Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. Don't they appreciate living in a country where people are free to speak out? Just not against us. And not during wartime, which is now forever.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, and those Dixie Chicks. I poked a bunch of that trailer trash down in Alabama when I was enrolled in the National Guard. Sure beat going to meetings. Poppy wrote me a note, though, so it was ok.
KARL ROVE: Well, they caved quick enough. I love apologies from people we've just scared shitless.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Owning Clear Channel was a great stroke, Karl. All those rock and rollers shutting up because they're afraid of losing air time. What a kick.
KARL ROVE: Nobody owns a radio or TV station in this country without answering directly to us. Every news show, every talk show, they're all embedded, right in our pocket. So you tell me: who's gonna argue with anything we say or do from now on?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Well, that Bruce Springsteen just came out and defended the Dixie Chicks on his web site. He’s Jewish, isn’t he?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You know, John, Lee Kuan Yew, who ran Singapore for us, used to open up the media and stage elections every few years just to see who would show up. All the pinkos would yell and scream. Then Lee would rig the elections and a lot of people would just turn up dead. That's what we're going to do here. Plane crashes. Car accidents. Some rare cancers. Some household mishaps. All those peaceniks are on a fast track to see Paul Wellstone. If I was Tim Robbins, I wouldn't be buying any green bananas.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Bull Durham is a known terrorist.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: So who do we attack next? How about Korea? We all know how you feel about what they did at Pearl Harbor, George.
KARL ROVE: Yeah, Don, but the Koreans have nukes and an actual army. And you never know what the Chinese will do. How about Syria? It's right next door.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes, and there are lots of Muslims there. That's how we're going to win in the long run. Franklin Graham is going to convert them all to Christianity.
SECRETARY RIDGE: There are 1.2 billion followers of Islam in the world, sir. They don't seem too happy about us trying to convert them to Christianity. Some people think now that Saddam is gone the Sunni and the Shi'ites are going to get together and kick us out. Just like Iran after the Shah.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Tom, that's our oil and nobody's going to mess with it, least of all those damn Iraqis. They can have Baghdad and the rest of that sandbox if they want. The oil is ours. Those bases are ours.
KARL ROVE: When oil prices go down, the economy goes up. Pure and simple. We need a stronger economy for 2004.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, and all those rebuilding contracts. Saddam had a pretty good infrastructure going there. Good water system. Good roads. Gonna take billions to rebuild all that. Glad we've got Bechtel and Halliburton to show them how to do it. Glad Rummy bombed the place so we can rebuild it.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: I charge by the building, Dick. When do we hit Iran?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Some serious questions were raised about your connections to Halliburton, Dick, and whether it was right for them to get these contracts.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Halliburton gets no special favors, Tom. All those contracts went to companies that pay me royalties, whether they know it yet or not.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, Dick, maybe sooner or later those people over there will figure all that out. There are only so many of them Reverend Graham can convert.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Why don't we send them all Bibles. They can read about Armageddon. Then they'll know what's about to happen to them if they don't embrace Jesus.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Actually, George, what we're sending them is depleted uranium. We've carpeted their country with it just like Clinton did to Yugoslavia. Once that stuff gets in their food and lungs they'll be dropping like flies anyway.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Their birth rate's going to sink like a stone. They can set up all the Islamic Republics they want, but Iraq will be one big cancer ward.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Pleated uranium? What are you talking about?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Many of the shells we used in Iraq have depleted uranium in them. When they explode or hit a tank the uranium pulverizes into fine dust which is highly radioactive. When people breathe it in the air or drink it in their water or eat it in their food they're virtually certain to get cancer, and their children---if they can have any---will be birth defected.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Using that uranium lets our nuke boys raise cash by selling off their waste. And it calls a rapid halt to the birth rate in a festering terrorist sanctuary like Iraq. You see enough kids born with six arms and three legs and you begin to think twice about reproducing, no matter what Allah says.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But our own soldiers have also been harmed, sir. We only took a thousand overt casualties in the first Gulf War, but now 220,000 of those vets are disabled. This time we lost only a couple hundred, if that. But a quarter-million, maybe more, could fall to the Syndrome.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Yes, Tom, the peaceniks are saying Baghdad may be the most radioactive city on earth. So what?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, sir, it gets to be quite expensive when those vets apply for benefits.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hell, we just chopped $25 billion out of the veterans benefit budget. We'll cut more if we have to. Only the dumb and the poor get sucked into military service. Lets see a show of hands: how many people in this room actually fought in a war? Ha ha ha.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, yes sir, we all had other priorities. But when veterans get angry they can be quite effective politically. They also tend to get violent.
KARL ROVE: In case you missed it, Tom, we fried a Gulf War vet right when we attacked Iraq, just to send a message. One thing we loved about Saddam: he sure knew how to use that death penalty.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Applying for veterans benefits is an admission of terrorism.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Lets just hand each vet an artifact from those museums we looted. That was fun, wasn't it Don?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well, Saddam was kind enough to hand us the keys to the serious vaults. So we let the rabble run wild upstairs for all the cameras and we grabbed the pricy stuff for ourselves.
PRESIDENT BUSH: One of those museums had the knife Abraham used to circumcise himself. What happened to it?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Abraham circumcised himself?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes. He was 100 years old at the time. God told him to do it.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well, George, if God ever tells me to do something like that, he better have Jack Daniels by his side. And a lot of him.
KARL ROVE: Or maybe Tony Blair. We took his whole unit a long time ago.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We've got it all now, boys. We divided Europe. We wrecked the UN. We conquered Iraq and then we let the Iraqis tear what was left to shreds. They’ll never recover. Meanwhile, we've got the money, the oil, the media, the voting machines. Nothing….NOTHING is going to stop us now.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, but where, exactly, are we going?
KARL ROVE: Our bloviators now demand we turn our attention to domestic issues. So, we will. We'll finish off the peaceniks. We'll shred the Bill of Rights. We'll bury regulation. We'll appoint all the judges. And we'll sit back, let those machines get us re-elected, and let the money roll in.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes, and then Armageddon.
KARL ROVE: Right. One people. One nation. One Bush.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But the rest of the world, sir. They're not too happy with us right now.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: The rest of the world, Tom? There IS no rest of the world.
Copyright c 2003 by Lee Waters
All Rights Reserved
…but feel free to circulate via the internet