PRESIDENT BUSH:  Well, boys, I've gotta tell you I'm pretty steamed this morning.  Why haven't we found those weapons of mass destruction yet?  Colin?

SECRETARY OF STATE POWELL:  They're not in Iraq, Sir.  They're in Korea. 

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  George, we've been through this before.  We all knew there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.  Saddam isn't stupid. 

PRESIDENT BUSH:  I don't need to hear about whether Saddam Hussein is stupid or he isn't stupid, Dick.  I'm not stupid, that's all that counts.  We set to attack Iraq long before I ran for president.  And where the hell is the evidence we need to sell this damn thing. 

SECRETARY POWELL:  Seems like we've been outfoxed.

KARL ROVE:  Sorry I'm late, gentlemen.  I just got the latest wire from North Korea.  They've told us to take a hike.

PRESIDENT BUSH:  A hike where?  To China?  Are you saying these people are\ready to go to war?

KARL ROVE:  Well yes, Mr. President, they are.  Again. 

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  That meeting with Bill Richardson.  Pretty clever.  Have you been advising them, Karl?

PRESIDENT BUSH:  Well they don't have any oil, Karl.  Saddam Hussein has the oil and the North Koreans don't.  The North Koreans did not try to kill my daddy.  And there is no mention of Korea in the Bible. 

SECRETARY POWELL:  Wellâ€?butâ€?sirâ€?we have justified attacking Saddam Hussein because we say he has nuclear weapons.  But he doesn't.  But the North Koreans do.  So how do we explain why we're willing to attack Iraq but not Korea.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  How about a hundred million Chinese soldiers ready to swoop down if we attack Korea?  How does that play in Peoria?

KARL ROVE:  Well, it worked in '52, it should work again.

PRESIDENT BUSH:  What worked in '52?  Isn't that when they attacked Pearl Harbor?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  Kissinger says Beijing won't stand for us messing around in North Korea.  He also complemented us for re-uniting the north with the south.  And he wants to know if he can take a commission for selling nukes to Japan. 

KARL ROVE:  Now there's an idea!  We can finesse this whole thing through the Japanese.  They haven't had an army since 1945.  So lets sell them one.  Nuclear weapons too.  That'll make our weapons boys happy.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT:  I don't think the Japanese have any money.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  We'll loan it to them, as usual. We put these guys in power, we finance their weapons, we get them in debt, then, every few years, we pick one to hype up for an attack.  Re-arming Japan would be a nice stimulus package, don't you think?

SECRETARY POWELL:  But gentlemen, re-arming Japan would completely destabilize East Asia.  The Chinese would be livid, as would the Koreans, the Vietnamese, the Indonesiansâ€?.

PRESIDENT BUSH:  Who cares?  We're the most powerful nation on Earth.  And I'm the most powerful man the world has ever seen.

SECRETARY POWELL:  General MacArthur warned against a land war in Asia, and I think we learned some pretty hard lessons in Korea and Vietnam.

PRESIDENT BUSH:  I wasn't in either place and I don't care.  All I know is, we're going to be bombing Iraq by the end of January.

SECRETARY POWELL:  We're already bombing Iraq, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH:  I mean we're going to invade.  We're going to kill Saddam Hussein.  We're going to get control of that oil.  We're going to fulfill Biblical prophecy. 

SECRETARY POWELL:  With all due respects, sir, we haven't found those weapons of mass destruction.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  We know they're there, Colin.  We sold them to him.

KARL ROVE:  Colin, we are here to serve the people who put us in office.  A lot of them are short sellers who are counting on the market to tank when war hits.  A lot of money is riding on this.  We won't let our people down. 


VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  Colin, we out-spent the Democrats by $180 million this past election.  Where do you think that money came from?

KARL ROVE:  And I must complement you on the job your son is doing at the FCC on consolidating our media control.  By the time he's done there won't be an independent newspaper or radio or TV station anywhere.

SECRETARY POWELL:  Well, thank you, sir.  Michael does what he can.  But we're already seeing the makings of a substantial anti-war movement.  The demonstrations have been large.  So are the petitions.  And the churches are also pretty hot.  I must admit, I'm concerned. 

PRESIDENT BUSH:  Not the churches I care about.

KARL ROVE:  This is where media control comes in, Colin.  We know we haven't sold this war to the American public, and certainly not to world opinion.  But are you reading about it?  Do you see any coverage?  If a million people march and it's not on television, did it really happen?

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT:  Marching against our government's war policy is an act of terrorism.

KARL ROVE:  The rest is simple.  Take the entire conservative agenda and throw it all at the liberal establishment.  The environment, the judges, the tax cuts, Medicare, tort reform, civil rights, the schools, church and state, the whole litany.  It's hilarious, watching these pinkos scurry.  No mercy, no compromise, no let up.  They still don't know what hit them. 

PRESIDENT BUSH:  Compassionate conservatism.  That was a good one, Karl. 


SECRETARY ASHCROFT:  Long, sustained laughter.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  It's SO much fun.  Those fool liberals don't know what hit them.  Once the body bags start coming back and the bombs start going off in the suburbs nobody's going to remember there was a Democratic Party.  Or a Bill of Rights.  Or elections. 

SECRETARY POWELL:  Well, I'm still concerned.  Let me read you a quote I recently came across from Winston Churchill about the dangers of war: "Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth or easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter.  The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforseeable and uncontrollable events."

PRESIDENT BUSH:  What's your point? 

SECRETARY POWELL:  We need to be very careful, sir.  Once we begin a war, be it in Korea or Iraq, we have no idea where it will end. 

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY:  Yes we do.  Once we attack Iraq the terrorist will hit here.  They'll blow up our airplanes, our freeways, our schools, our nuclear plants. 

KARL ROVE:  Then we lock up the people really responsible:  the environmentalists, the civil liberties creeps, the do-gooders, the peaceniks.  They're all going to prison, Colin.  All we need is for the terrorism to start. 

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT:  Demonstrating for the environment is an act of terrorism.  Demonstrating for peace is an act of terrorism.

SECRETARY RIDGE:  The camps are ready sir.  We've got a Guantanamo in every state.  All we need is for you to start sending me the prisoners. 

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT:  Demanding a lawyer is an act of terrorism. 

PRESIDENT BUSH:  Let me clarify one thing.  We are not going to war in Korea.  Korea does not appear in the Bible.


PRESIDENT BUSH:  Colin, I am the most powerful man the world has ever seen.  I would like you to meet with the Reverend Billy Graham.  He has explained to me that I have a mission, and a responsibility.  Iraq is Persia which was Babylon.  That is why we are going to attack Iraq. 

KARL ROVE:  Mr. President.

PRESIDENT BUSH:  It wasn't clear to me before that so-called election.  But it is now.  We have been anointed to usher in the promised age. 


PRESIDENT BUSH:  It's right here in Revelations.  I am the chosen vessel.  I am here to rid the world of evil.  Like I told Bob Woodward, I'm going to export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defense of this great nation.  And it's all going to start in Babylon.  That's what the Bible says.  That's why we will attack Iraq. 

KARL ROVE:  Well, that'll certainly sew up the fundamentalist vote.

PRESIDENT BUSH:  Votes don't matter, Karl.  Korea doesn't matter.  The Democrats don't matter.  The media don't matter.  Even the oil doesn't matter.  What matters, Karl, is the Final Battle.  Armageddon.  And we are going to begin it.  Soon.