Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft, Ridge, Rumsfeld, Scalia, Rove

PRESIDENT BUSH: Tony! Tony! Tony! Great to have you here.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Good to be here, Mr. President. It's nice to be away from those stuffy Supreme Court chambers for a change. Clarence's videos, while exciting, do get repetitious.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We take care of the people that take care of us.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Thanks, Dick. Quack! Quack!

ALL: Loud, prolonged laughter.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You know, Tony. Without you, there'd be no Bush Presidency. The Good Lord would still be dealing with that anti-Christ, Al Gore. Instead, He has Me. And that's a capital M.


SECRETARY RIDGE: Antonin Scalia persuaded the Supreme Court to stop the counting of votes in Florida in the 2000 election and to guarantee the Bush victory.

JUSTICE SCALIA: The best part was when that Ginsburg woman went faint after Sandy O'Connor came with us without telling her. I still chortle with glee.


KARL ROVE: Yes, it was God's will. Plus ten million dollars in each of five Swiss bank accounts.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Yes, and I thank you, and Clarence thanks you, and Bill Rehnquist thanks you, and Tony Kennedy thanks you. But I think Sandy is experiencing some guilt.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Justice O'Connor was the last to come around to stopping the Florida vote count. Apparently she had made an agreement with Justice Ginsburg.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Women! You can't leave them alone. She and Ginsburg were going to wait for more arguments, which would have given Gore a few more days, and thus the election. So we worked Sandy over pretty good. Ten mil and an agreement to let her live constituted an offer she couldn't refuse.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I'm sure that horse's head in her bed had a healthy influence.

KARL ROVE: We still needed some serious street intimidation to keep the lead from slipping more than it did. Gotta love those Young Republicans. They're ready to riot again if Jeb lets it gets close a second time.

JUSTICE SCALIA: I, too, am poised to serve once more.

KARL ROVE: We do appreciate your help in keeping Dick from having to testify about who drew up the energy plan. Those drafts from Enron would not play well right now.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Just remember the number of that Swiss bank account.

KARL ROVE: Billable hours from a Supreme Court Justice have quite few zeroes behind them, don't they, Tony.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Not to mention the value of that Chief Justice slot when Rehnquist goes bye-bye.

JUSTICE SCALIA: I'm ready anytime, Dick.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I think we're ready for a few bye-byes on that Court after the election. Starting with that damn David Souter. He tried to kill my Daddy.

KARL ROVE: That was Saddam, George. David Souter merely betrayed us all by leaning liberal after your Dad appointed him to the Court.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: David Souter has consistently refused to do what we tell him. Not like Tony here. Loyalty is loyalty. I say he joins Wellstone on a research project. Like, say, the real odds against crashing in a small plane.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Does he still fly commercial?

KARL ROVE: David Souter doesn't go much of anywhere. Besides, the private plane thing is getting a little stale and a little suspect.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I like how we took care of that Athan Gibbs nut. Crushed him with an 18-wheeler. It's good to see our people operating with a sense of humor.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Athan Gibbs was the founder of TruVote, a Tennessee corporation that developed voting machines that could produce a paper receipt and allow voters to track their ballots. His invention could make it virtually impossible to steal an election. Mr. Gibbs recently passed away in a freak traffic accident.

KARL ROVE: The term freak merely applies to the guy we hired to drive the truck that did him in.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, what about that damn Dick Clarke.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We've done a pretty good job of trashing him, don't you think?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Why did that guy ever leave American Bandstand? He doesn't seem to age, does he? What does he do, live on Botox?

SECRETARY RIDGE: Richard Clarke was a counter-terrorism expert for many administrations. His revelations that we put invading Iraq ahead of fighting terrorism have been particularly damaging.

KARL ROVE: Dick Clarke's nothing we can't handle, guys. We got Fox and Krauthammer and Rush to trash his reputation. We trotted out Colin and Condi. When you run the media, all this criticism turns to sound and fury, signifying nothing.

JUSTICE SCALIA: I very much like how you let Colin Powell and Condi Rice take the heat for you. It reminds me how your father set up Clarence Thomas, George. Playing the race card is one of our truly great American traditions.

KARL ROVE: We also neutralized Paul O'Neil, Joe Wilson, Richard Foster. It's really not rocket science, guys. Just find a little chink in their armor, feed some scraps to our media hounds and let them all just fade away. The public soon forgets.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Paul O'Neill, our former Treasury Secretary, quoted Vice President Cheney as saying "deficits don't matter." Ambassador Wilson warned that there were no WMDs in Iraq, for which we outed his wife as a CIA agent. Richard Foster pointed out that we deceived Congress about the true cost of federal health programs.

JUSTICE SCALIA: But I especially enjoyed what you did to Jessica Lynch.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We made that girl a poster child for our war and then she turned on us and questioned the bloodshed. She even turned down a million-dollar movie deal. How ungrateful can you get?

KARL ROVE: Yeah, but that story we cooked up about her being sexually abused diverted all the attention. She opens her mouth again and America will read that she begged for a gang-bang.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: The Lord smites those who question His crusade against the infidels. Especially carnal women.

KARL ROVE: Selling that ridiculous sex story about Jessica Lynch sent a message that we can trash anybody and everybody who gets in our way. We'll do the same to Kerry when the time comes. It's a piece of cake, gentlemen, as long as you have the money.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: And thanks be to the Lord, we have all the money in the world. Not donating to the Bush campaign is an act of terrorism.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Colin's kid at the FCC is making it illegal for the non-profits to attack us. And the Federal Election Commission is kicking in too. That damn First Amendment is just about done at last. You know, it's getting too damn easy.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes, and just yesterday I saw footage of some very happy Iraqis dancing in the streets of the town of Fellatio. It proves the Iraqi people want us there, just like Dick said they would.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Actually, Sir, that was Fallujah. They were dancing because they had just killed four American contractors and dragged their bodies through the streets. Five American soldiers also died that day.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Goddam ungrateful bastards. Let's nuke em all.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: As you well know, Don, we're carpeting that country with depleted uranium. Within ten years half of Iraq will be dying of cancer. Is that good enough for you?

KARL ROVE: Come October we'll play that Fallujah footage like it was a celebration of our victory over Saddam. We'll splice it in with our people tearing down those statues. Some of the media will scream. But to the viewing public, it'll play like Kerry's 50-cent gasoline tax.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, Kerry's still taller than I am. I hope you're not thinking I'm gonna debate him.

SECRETARY RIDGE: John Kerry has challenged the President to six debates. Many Americans feel this might clarify the differences between the two candidates.


KARL ROVE: Al Quaeda will hit just before any scheduled debate, which will then be called off. The League of Women Voters is in our pocket. There are risks we are not willing to take, and George W. Bush on the same stage with John Kerry is definitely one of them.

JUSTICE SCALIA: I believe it is unconstitutional for a sitting President to debate a known traitor like John Kerry. I am writing the opinion now. When do you plan to file the suit?

PRESIDENT BUSH: How about that Howard Stern? How do we shut him up? He's Jewish, isn't he?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We got him bumped from Clear Channel. He's still got some outlets. But not for long.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Radio shock jock Howard Stern has become one of our harshest critics. He has a huge following.

KARL ROVE: His days are numbered. Just like that liberal radio. That Al Franken. Watch what happens to him.

PRESIDENT BUSH: And that Tim Robbins. And that Barbra Streisand. And that Jeanne Garfunkel, the one that sang with Senator Simon. How about them? Aren't they all Jewish?

SECRETARY RIDGE: When Israel embraces the anti-Christ, as foretold in Revelations, these non-believers will be left behind. That's why we support Israel, to hasten the day.

KARL ROVE: We want you photographed with Mel Gibson, George. We'd like to put some cuts in your palms. Subtle ones, but visible to the subconscious eye, especially when you give the presidential wave.

PRESIDENT BUSH: That won't affect my weight-lifting, will it? Arnold told me to avoid injuries like that. Makes the steroids go off.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You'll be fine, George. Just stay off the sauce, ok. That line about you choking on a pretzel won't fly again.

KARL ROVE: Four more years and we'll be done with all these liberal clowns. The jails will be full, and so will the graveyards.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Heaven be praised. The Kingdom of God is upon us.


LEAKED WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPTS: INSIDE BUSH'S OVAL OFFICE, 2004-2, by Lee Waters, will soon be available in book form from The Free Press (http://freepress.org). Inquire via truth@freepress.org.