EXCLUSIVE: THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIPT CAME UNANNOUNCED TO THE E-MAIL ADDRESS OF THE COLUMBUS FREE PRESS. WE MAKE NO DEFINITIVE STATEMENT AS TO ITS TRUE ORIGIN:
SECRETARY RIDGE: Good Afternoon, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Tom, how are you.
SECRETARY RIDGE: I'm fine, sir. And how are you Dick? Karl?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Fine, Tom.
KARL ROVE: We're great, Tom. Especially since that election. Pretty much Katy Bar the Door now, don't you think.
SECRETARY RIDGE: You betcha, Karl. It's all over but the shouting, and given what we've done to Nancy P. there won't be much of that either.
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yeah, gotta hand it to you on that one, Karl. One minute that Pelosi broad is a raving liberal, the next she's a whiny little lap dog.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, hey guys, yeah but what's with little Tommy Daschle over there in the Senate. All of a sudden he's yapping again about the war. What do we gotta do, send him some more anthrax?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, we could sir. We kept some back from the last batch. Remember, we were going to send it to Lieberman, but you decided we didn't have to bother. And I must complement you on that decision, sir.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, what'd I tell you about him. Fell right into line. When they circumcised him, they got his balls too.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: How's that explain Al Gore? Seems like his might be growing back.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Oh, Hell Dick, he's just got Nader envy. Can't get over what we did to him in 2000. I love hearing him yap about the corporations and the war. When push comes to shove he'll cave like Gephardt and Pelosi. If he keeps it up, we'll put him on a Wellstone Express.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Uh, well sir, I'm not sure that would be such a good idea. I mean, we already took down Carnahan. And then we did Wellstone pretty much the same way. Are you sure we could do the same thing a third time?
KARL ROVE: We can do it for a month of Sundays, Tom. We can take down every whiny liberal atheist we want and nobody's gonna say a word. One phone call to Roger Ailes at Fox and every death in America can be blamed on bin Laden or Saddam. This is real power, man.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Karl, I told you to lay off that bin Laden stuff. My family's been doing business with Osama's family for a long time, and we intend to keep on doing it. We owe them a lot for September 11, and don't you forget it. Why do you think we leave him out there?
KARL ROVE: Right sir, sorry.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: By the way, Karl, does Osama have enough stingers?
KARL ROVE: He's still got a ton we gave him to fight the Soviets, sir.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, just remind him that the next time the Dow tanks he can start taking down jetliners. Just make sure Teddy Kennedy's on one of them.
KARL ROVE: Right. We missed him in Minnesota. That won't happen again. Especially now that we've got a Republican governor in Boston. We can get his seat.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But about Saddam?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Dammit, Tom, that's different. That towel headed sonofabitch tried to kill my daddy. He ain't gonna live, I don't care what it costs, you take him out. Now when the hell are we gonna attack? I'm tired of this pussy-footin around.
KARL ROVE: Well, yes sir, but Europe isn't really going for it. The poll numbers we cooked up here in the US are pretty good, but I'm not sure how long they'll hold once the body bags start coming home.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That's why we brought Tom here tonight, remember George? What difference do poll numbers make if there aren't going to be any more elections?
SECRETARY RIDGE: No more elections?
KARL ROVE: Well, not as we've known them, Tom. You are now in charge of the security of the Homeland, which depends above all on stability. And stability means no more fool Democrats stumbling into the House or the Senate.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Or the White House.
KARL ROVE: With all due respects, Mr. President, that's not even a remote possibility. That's over. But the House and Senate still might cause us problems.
SECRETARY RIDGE: So what are you telling me?
KARL ROVE: We're telling you, Tom, that Homeland Security is going to come down to a couple of things, and one of them is voting machines.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Voting machines?
KARL ROVE: That's right. By 2004 we want every precinct to have one. And we want you to have the computer code to all of them. At Homeland Security. Where it belongs.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You see, Tom, we can't have another Florida 2000. It was hell on wheels. All those butterfly ballots and hanging chads. Bad business. Bad PR.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, yes, it certainly was, but we pulled it off, didn't we?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: â€|Although I did like all those Jews voting for Buchanan. That was a very cute touch, Karl. It's important in this business to have a sense of humor. That's why I'm always photographed smiling.
KARL ROVE: Well, sir, we didn't exactly plan that Buchanan thing. We figured by knocking those 70,000 black ex-cons of the voting list and then those extra hundred thousand or so Katherine Harris picked out things would be locked up. It's just the damn election got so close. Hate to say it but they really did kick our butts. Florida, West Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas ... thank God for voter fraud!!!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, that's not going to happen again. Fact is, for the past 50 years we've been knocking 3-5% off the vote tally in the black districts anyway. I can't tell you what this country would look like today if we hadn't been doing that. But it's too damn complicated pitching all those ballots and blocking all those niggers off the voting rolls. Today, we---or rather, you---can do it with the push of a button.
SECRETARY RIDGE: I'm not sure.
KARL ROVE: It's like this, Tom. The software that runs the voting machines is proprietary. We've arranged to make sure it's owned by a few of our larger campaign contributors. And we're going to KEEP it private. But you're going to keep the code. So when any of these elections gets too close, you will maintain the Homeland Security by making sure the right party wins. Simple as that.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Let that do-good weenie Jimmy Carter and the rest of his bleeding heart liberals stand there at the polls and make sure every body votes. What the hell! Bring 'em in by the trainload. Just as long as they can't read computer code. And you sit at Homeland Security with the black boxes you need to make sure the count comes out right. Got it?
KARL ROVE: Yeah, let the Afros and the Jews and the unions and the femi-nazis vote themselves silly. There's nothing in the Constitution says we gotta actually COUNT those votes.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, what about the ACLU?
PRESIDENT BUSH: That's step two, Tom. You know, between the USA PATRIOT Act and the Homeland Security Bill there isn't much you can't do. So when these damn liberals get out of line, you got two choices. Arrest 'em, or whack 'em.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Whack 'em?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, like Wellstone. Find a way. How else can we maintain order? Don't you realize that if it wasn't for us taking out Carnahan and Wellstone the Senate might still be in subversive hands?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: And Cleland, don't forget Cleland.
KARL ROVE: Dick, there's still a difference between actual assassination and character assassination. Cleland was a case of the latter.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yeah, but we were ready.
KARL ROVE: We were indeed, but thanks to those high-tech Georgia voting machines.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You guys are missing the other thing Tom's gotta do here. That chickenhawk thing.
KARL ROVE: Yessir. Now Tom we put out the word with Rush and Ailes and O'Reilly that you and Poindexter don't have the computer capability to use all that data you're gonna get. Now we all know that's a crock. You got everybody plugged in, all that bank data and all the books they check out and the transcripts of all the, uh, pillow talk, that's a piece of cake and we all know it.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You can spy on anybody anytime anywhere in this country and that's exactly the way we want it.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Yes sir.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: But what nobody knows is how good at it we really are.
PRESIDENT BUSH: So that's where the chickenhawk thing comes in. Just because me and you and Dick and Karl and Rush and the rest of us were smart enough not to go to Nam and get our arms and legs blown off like Cleland did, that doesn't mean we should pay a political price.
KARL ROVE: Yes, and just because Cleland's opponent didn't go either didn't mean we couldn't slam his patriotism and get away with it. Since we now run the media and the Congress and the courts and the counting of the votes, Max could take all those war medals and shove them.
PRESIDENT BUSH: But I don't like what they're saying out there. I don't like this chickenhawk thing.
SECRETARY RIDGE: You mean the reference to the fact that many of our war leaders were draft dodgers?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Watch your mouth, fella. I'll remember that.
KARL ROVE: Really.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Point is, we want your computers to watch for that goddam word. That chickenhawk word. I don't like it.
SECRETARY RIDGE: So what shall I do, Mr. President?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Set your scanners, Tom. When that word turns up more than once in any single e-mail, we want to know who's doing it. We want their e-mail jammed. And we want to know their flight schedules.
KARL ROVE: The web sites, too. Crash the web sites. The internet's the last place these creeps have left. We own the newspapers, the TV, the radio. What's left is the internet. Figure it out. Jam it. Crash it. Whatever. Think of it as Operation Chickenhawk.
PRESIDENT BUSH: There's two other words.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, two other words, they turn up twice in an e-mail, fry 'em. Halliburton. And Harken. Anybody going there needs to go elsewhere.
KARL ROVE: We've already done a test run on those two. Any TV or radio newscaster, any print reporter doing any work involving those two terms, we've scanned their e-mail, their articles, their talk show appearances, and then we've busted them. They're either out of work or out of air.
SECRETARY RIDGE: I think we can handle that.
PRESIDENT BUSH: We KNOW you can handle it Tom.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We've got some plans here for you to look at about the ACLU, Greenpeace, the NAACP, the League of Women Voters, the usual terrorist organizations. We've already infiltrated all of them with our operatives, like we did the Democrats. All you need to do is apply the hatchet at the right moment. That's what Guantanamo is for.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Already on the case sir. Anything else?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: What else could there be?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, it's just that sometimes I worry, if any of this leaked out, it could be like Watergate, only much worse.
KARL ROVE: Not a chance, Tom. Back then there was an actual Democratic Party that wasn't controlled by our inside operatives. Ditto the media. Plus there was that goddam Bill of Rights. All that's gone now. Not to worry.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Right Tom. Here's one for you. Le Loi, c'est Moi. Pretty cool, huh. That's what comes from knowing Spanish.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, but the internet. I worry about the internet.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hey, they get the information, so what? Why don't you do a little experiment. Make a transcript of this conversation, e-mail it to one of these hippie alternative papers, let them spread it around. Then arrest anybody that re-sends it. That should clean things up real fast...
SECRETARY RIDGE: Good Afternoon, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Tom, how are you.
SECRETARY RIDGE: I'm fine, sir. And how are you Dick? Karl?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Fine, Tom.
KARL ROVE: We're great, Tom. Especially since that election. Pretty much Katy Bar the Door now, don't you think.
SECRETARY RIDGE: You betcha, Karl. It's all over but the shouting, and given what we've done to Nancy P. there won't be much of that either.
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yeah, gotta hand it to you on that one, Karl. One minute that Pelosi broad is a raving liberal, the next she's a whiny little lap dog.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, hey guys, yeah but what's with little Tommy Daschle over there in the Senate. All of a sudden he's yapping again about the war. What do we gotta do, send him some more anthrax?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, we could sir. We kept some back from the last batch. Remember, we were going to send it to Lieberman, but you decided we didn't have to bother. And I must complement you on that decision, sir.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, what'd I tell you about him. Fell right into line. When they circumcised him, they got his balls too.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: How's that explain Al Gore? Seems like his might be growing back.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Oh, Hell Dick, he's just got Nader envy. Can't get over what we did to him in 2000. I love hearing him yap about the corporations and the war. When push comes to shove he'll cave like Gephardt and Pelosi. If he keeps it up, we'll put him on a Wellstone Express.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Uh, well sir, I'm not sure that would be such a good idea. I mean, we already took down Carnahan. And then we did Wellstone pretty much the same way. Are you sure we could do the same thing a third time?
KARL ROVE: We can do it for a month of Sundays, Tom. We can take down every whiny liberal atheist we want and nobody's gonna say a word. One phone call to Roger Ailes at Fox and every death in America can be blamed on bin Laden or Saddam. This is real power, man.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Karl, I told you to lay off that bin Laden stuff. My family's been doing business with Osama's family for a long time, and we intend to keep on doing it. We owe them a lot for September 11, and don't you forget it. Why do you think we leave him out there?
KARL ROVE: Right sir, sorry.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: By the way, Karl, does Osama have enough stingers?
KARL ROVE: He's still got a ton we gave him to fight the Soviets, sir.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, just remind him that the next time the Dow tanks he can start taking down jetliners. Just make sure Teddy Kennedy's on one of them.
KARL ROVE: Right. We missed him in Minnesota. That won't happen again. Especially now that we've got a Republican governor in Boston. We can get his seat.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But about Saddam?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Dammit, Tom, that's different. That towel headed sonofabitch tried to kill my daddy. He ain't gonna live, I don't care what it costs, you take him out. Now when the hell are we gonna attack? I'm tired of this pussy-footin around.
KARL ROVE: Well, yes sir, but Europe isn't really going for it. The poll numbers we cooked up here in the US are pretty good, but I'm not sure how long they'll hold once the body bags start coming home.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That's why we brought Tom here tonight, remember George? What difference do poll numbers make if there aren't going to be any more elections?
SECRETARY RIDGE: No more elections?
KARL ROVE: Well, not as we've known them, Tom. You are now in charge of the security of the Homeland, which depends above all on stability. And stability means no more fool Democrats stumbling into the House or the Senate.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Or the White House.
KARL ROVE: With all due respects, Mr. President, that's not even a remote possibility. That's over. But the House and Senate still might cause us problems.
SECRETARY RIDGE: So what are you telling me?
KARL ROVE: We're telling you, Tom, that Homeland Security is going to come down to a couple of things, and one of them is voting machines.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Voting machines?
KARL ROVE: That's right. By 2004 we want every precinct to have one. And we want you to have the computer code to all of them. At Homeland Security. Where it belongs.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You see, Tom, we can't have another Florida 2000. It was hell on wheels. All those butterfly ballots and hanging chads. Bad business. Bad PR.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, yes, it certainly was, but we pulled it off, didn't we?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: â€|Although I did like all those Jews voting for Buchanan. That was a very cute touch, Karl. It's important in this business to have a sense of humor. That's why I'm always photographed smiling.
KARL ROVE: Well, sir, we didn't exactly plan that Buchanan thing. We figured by knocking those 70,000 black ex-cons of the voting list and then those extra hundred thousand or so Katherine Harris picked out things would be locked up. It's just the damn election got so close. Hate to say it but they really did kick our butts. Florida, West Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas ... thank God for voter fraud!!!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, that's not going to happen again. Fact is, for the past 50 years we've been knocking 3-5% off the vote tally in the black districts anyway. I can't tell you what this country would look like today if we hadn't been doing that. But it's too damn complicated pitching all those ballots and blocking all those niggers off the voting rolls. Today, we---or rather, you---can do it with the push of a button.
SECRETARY RIDGE: I'm not sure.
KARL ROVE: It's like this, Tom. The software that runs the voting machines is proprietary. We've arranged to make sure it's owned by a few of our larger campaign contributors. And we're going to KEEP it private. But you're going to keep the code. So when any of these elections gets too close, you will maintain the Homeland Security by making sure the right party wins. Simple as that.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Let that do-good weenie Jimmy Carter and the rest of his bleeding heart liberals stand there at the polls and make sure every body votes. What the hell! Bring 'em in by the trainload. Just as long as they can't read computer code. And you sit at Homeland Security with the black boxes you need to make sure the count comes out right. Got it?
KARL ROVE: Yeah, let the Afros and the Jews and the unions and the femi-nazis vote themselves silly. There's nothing in the Constitution says we gotta actually COUNT those votes.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, what about the ACLU?
PRESIDENT BUSH: That's step two, Tom. You know, between the USA PATRIOT Act and the Homeland Security Bill there isn't much you can't do. So when these damn liberals get out of line, you got two choices. Arrest 'em, or whack 'em.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Whack 'em?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, like Wellstone. Find a way. How else can we maintain order? Don't you realize that if it wasn't for us taking out Carnahan and Wellstone the Senate might still be in subversive hands?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: And Cleland, don't forget Cleland.
KARL ROVE: Dick, there's still a difference between actual assassination and character assassination. Cleland was a case of the latter.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yeah, but we were ready.
KARL ROVE: We were indeed, but thanks to those high-tech Georgia voting machines.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You guys are missing the other thing Tom's gotta do here. That chickenhawk thing.
KARL ROVE: Yessir. Now Tom we put out the word with Rush and Ailes and O'Reilly that you and Poindexter don't have the computer capability to use all that data you're gonna get. Now we all know that's a crock. You got everybody plugged in, all that bank data and all the books they check out and the transcripts of all the, uh, pillow talk, that's a piece of cake and we all know it.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You can spy on anybody anytime anywhere in this country and that's exactly the way we want it.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Yes sir.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: But what nobody knows is how good at it we really are.
PRESIDENT BUSH: So that's where the chickenhawk thing comes in. Just because me and you and Dick and Karl and Rush and the rest of us were smart enough not to go to Nam and get our arms and legs blown off like Cleland did, that doesn't mean we should pay a political price.
KARL ROVE: Yes, and just because Cleland's opponent didn't go either didn't mean we couldn't slam his patriotism and get away with it. Since we now run the media and the Congress and the courts and the counting of the votes, Max could take all those war medals and shove them.
PRESIDENT BUSH: But I don't like what they're saying out there. I don't like this chickenhawk thing.
SECRETARY RIDGE: You mean the reference to the fact that many of our war leaders were draft dodgers?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Watch your mouth, fella. I'll remember that.
KARL ROVE: Really.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Point is, we want your computers to watch for that goddam word. That chickenhawk word. I don't like it.
SECRETARY RIDGE: So what shall I do, Mr. President?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Set your scanners, Tom. When that word turns up more than once in any single e-mail, we want to know who's doing it. We want their e-mail jammed. And we want to know their flight schedules.
KARL ROVE: The web sites, too. Crash the web sites. The internet's the last place these creeps have left. We own the newspapers, the TV, the radio. What's left is the internet. Figure it out. Jam it. Crash it. Whatever. Think of it as Operation Chickenhawk.
PRESIDENT BUSH: There's two other words.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, two other words, they turn up twice in an e-mail, fry 'em. Halliburton. And Harken. Anybody going there needs to go elsewhere.
KARL ROVE: We've already done a test run on those two. Any TV or radio newscaster, any print reporter doing any work involving those two terms, we've scanned their e-mail, their articles, their talk show appearances, and then we've busted them. They're either out of work or out of air.
SECRETARY RIDGE: I think we can handle that.
PRESIDENT BUSH: We KNOW you can handle it Tom.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We've got some plans here for you to look at about the ACLU, Greenpeace, the NAACP, the League of Women Voters, the usual terrorist organizations. We've already infiltrated all of them with our operatives, like we did the Democrats. All you need to do is apply the hatchet at the right moment. That's what Guantanamo is for.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Already on the case sir. Anything else?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: What else could there be?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, it's just that sometimes I worry, if any of this leaked out, it could be like Watergate, only much worse.
KARL ROVE: Not a chance, Tom. Back then there was an actual Democratic Party that wasn't controlled by our inside operatives. Ditto the media. Plus there was that goddam Bill of Rights. All that's gone now. Not to worry.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Right Tom. Here's one for you. Le Loi, c'est Moi. Pretty cool, huh. That's what comes from knowing Spanish.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, but the internet. I worry about the internet.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hey, they get the information, so what? Why don't you do a little experiment. Make a transcript of this conversation, e-mail it to one of these hippie alternative papers, let them spread it around. Then arrest anybody that re-sends it. That should clean things up real fast...