Join the merry White House crew---Shrub, Dick, Karl, John and Tom---as they joke and yell their way toward the Apocalypse. Never has government been so much fun...
PRESIDENT BUSH: (Yelling): WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Where's my war? I want my war!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Calm down, George. We've got some problems.
PRESIDENT BUSH: We have NO problems. We are prepared to attack. I say it's time to attack. Billy Graham says it's time to attack. God says it's time to attack. Armageddon won't wait.
KARL ROVE: Well, George, I'm afraid we're no longer on such firm ground. The latest polls here show that 70% of the American public want us to get UN approval before we go to war.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I took care of that already. I said those ridiculous peace marches were irrelevant. We're not running this government by focus group. We're not running this war by some damn hippie pinko peace marchers. We're running it by George W. Bush and the word of God as brought to Earth by the Reverend Billy Graham.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I hate to say it, George, but 70% is too high a number. Especially with Saddam blowing up these missiles. Plus Tony Blair's about to get lynched, which would leave us with Bulgaria and maybe Turkey, if we can pay them enough.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Alright, Dick. Alright, Karl. You tell me. We've dragged, what, 200,000 troops over there. We've pulled firefighters and mail carriers and nurses and electricians off their jobs and away from their families. We're shipping Coast Guard cutters over there, for God's sakes. Now how the hell do we bring them home without a goddam war.
KARL ROVE: It hasn't come to that yet, George. Give us some time, we'll get you a war.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Time!! It's March. It's getting get hot over there. They're gonna have to attack or come home. Why don't you tell the Pope to explain the word of God to the world so we can get this show on the road.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, George, we tried that. We offered the Vatican a ton of money and some serious oil leases. But he still came out against us.
PRESIDENT BUSH: The Pope's against my war?
KARL ROVE: He's old, George. He keeps rambling on about the sanctity of life.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: He's with us on women and abortion. But not the death penalty or Iraq. And I'm not sure we can get away with doing to him what we did to Paul Wellstone. Wellstone was just a Senator. The Pope could drag us all down for a long long time. Like, forever.
KARL ROVE: Plus all this money to the Turks and Bulgarians. It doesn't look good, George. One minute you're telling the governors and the firefighters and New York City there's nothing for them, the next minute you're pumping billions into Istanbul. It's not really playing in Peoria.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Actually, it's not even playing in Istanbul.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, at least John here found the time and money to bust those potheads. Indicting all those bong sellers and medical marijuana patients is just what's needed to guarantee our national security. Give 'em hell, John.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Growing marijuana is an act of terrorism.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, and those ads on the Super Bowl. Nice work, Karl.
KARL ROVE: It's important to keep the public focused on the real threats to our national security, George. Pot. Abortion. Free love. Atheism. Anti-war marches. Liberals. These are the things that undermine our way of life.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Like energy policy. What the hell business is it of those nosy pinko busybodies who I met with?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, sir, you know the Freedom of Information Act did entitle them to find out. That's why the Government Accounting Office was going to sue you.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hah!! Independent watchdog, my ass! One little threat to cut their budget and they caved!. They have no spine and they have no sense of humor. The only meeting I had on energy policy was with Ken Lay from Enron and two hookers.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You and Kenny-boy had prostitutes?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Ha ha ha. You know what a great kidder I am, George. It was two people from Hooker Chemical. Your energy policy was already written by the coal, oil, nukes and gas guys. Ken was just dropping it off and noting a few key passages about deregulation, which he said was netting him a bundle. Jim Baker too, I might add. The Hooker people tagged along to get some pollution permits we promised them.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I got caught with two hookers while I was in the National Guard. Poppy took care of it.
SECRETARY RIDGE: What happened to them, sir?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, lets just say they are no longer a threat to our national security.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Prostitutes who claim to have been with important Christian leaders are admitted terrorists.
KARL ROVE: We've got another problem in Iraq that you're going to be asked about, George. The Iranians are starting to slip troops into the oil fields like they did in the 1980s.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, let Saddam gas them again. That's why we gave him all that stuff in the first place.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We'd love that, sir. As you'll recall, that's why Rummy gave Saddam that big hug. But Saddam destroyed all his chemical and biological weapons in the early 1990s. The media's been keeping that our little secret.
KARL ROVE: I've seen that picture of Rumsfeld hugging Saddam on a few of those damn hippie web sites. Gotta do something about that, John.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Publishing the picture of Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld hugging Saddam Hussein is an act of terrorism.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Iraq's being shark-eaten. Everybody's salivating. If we don't attack soon, those oil fields will be all carved up.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I'm tired of hearing this war is about oil. We know it's about much more than that, don't we gentlemen.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Yes sir. It's about the word of God.
KARL ROVE: And it's about ridding our own homeland of the leftists and the riff-raff and the Democratic trash that might be tempted to vote against us in the future. We've gone to great lengths to purge ourselves of the Bill of Rights and all the other Constitutional roadblocks to clearing out the godless rubbish that infects this nation. And we put everything in place for you to begin high-profile disappearances to scare the hell out of the general populace. You now can arrest anybody you damn well please, anywhere, anytime, with no cause and no evidence. You can hold them indefinitely, you can deny them media access, you can torture them, you can have them raped, you can do whatever the hell you want with these leftist lowlifes. And who do you come up with to lead things off? Sami El-Arian. A Republican professor from south Florida who just last year had his picture taken with George right here in the White House. Are you nuts, John? Who's doing your research?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: He's a towelhead. Got that Arab look. We didn't know he was a Republican.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You know, Karl, in Zaire just before the Rumble in the Jungle between Ali and Foreman, Mobutu shot hundreds of commies. But he also blew away a few of his own people. Kill your opponents, but shoot some of your friends, too. Just to make a point.
KARL ROVE: What point is that, Dick? That we're lunatics that arrest people just for the hell of it?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Exactly. Why do you think we bombed Nagasaki? Keep the edge on. Make 'em ALL nervous. Don't let anybody get too comfortable out there.
KARL ROVE: Well, we had Podhoretz and the rest of our lap dogs yapping it up on these arrests and then this picture turns up of the guy with George here at the White House, which they can frame on their wall right next to Rummy hugging Saddam. Not good, Dick. Not smart, John.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Oh, lighten up Karl.
PRESIDENT BUSH: It's all part of God's plan. Let's arrest Jeb. I'm sick of him.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But sir, you owe him the election. Those votes in Florida....
PRESIDENT BUSH: Poppy made him do it. Jeb wanted to run against Gore in '04. But dad called him. I had to promise to keep his daughter out of jail. You're still on that, right John?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Imprisoning the drug-addicted niece of the president is an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: You took care of Jeb when you hired in Bill Frisch, George. And you've got no worries about 2004. The voting machines are all being hard-wired. Everybody that could organize against you will be in jail long before 2004.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Osama Bin Laden too, right?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, George. We've got him penciled in for October, 2004, right around the anniversary of when your Daddy killed the deal that would've let the hostages out of Iran back in 1980. That's how Ronnie beat Carter. And that's why we've gotta string out this Iraqi situation. We've got to kill about 18 months until we reel in Osama.
KARL ROVE: But should we really allow those elections to happen in 2004?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: As I recall, Nixon and Agnew were going to cancel in 1972. But then the Dems nominated that wimp McGovern and Dick knew he'd win anyway. He was doing some deep backgrounding at the Watergate when that idiot Liddy screwed things up. We won't make the same mistake.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But sir, the American public won't stand for not having an election.
KARL ROVE: Tom, a few bombs are going to go off, very soon. We're going to obliterate Iraq. Our media will whip up the war fever. Once they taste blood, anybody that speaks out is going straight to jail. Rich or poor, Hollywood celebrity or big-time labor leader, they're all going straight to the camps. No more marches. No more internet. No more liberals. Our polls will shoot up and we will shoot to kill.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We can pick people off the streets now just for criticizing the President. And those bong dealers. And that Jew creep Ed Rosenthal who was raising medical marijuana under contract for the city of Oakland. I loved that John. A city employee doing his job and you had him busted. Five years in federal prison. Now there's a message worth sending.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Asserting states rights is an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: There can be no let-up, no compromise, no slowing down. We want it all. Don't let them know what hit them. Don't give them a minute to regain their balance. We are all-out attacking the environment, abortion rights, minority rights, women's rights, the First Amendment, the Fourth Amendment, the Fifth Amendment, the Fourteenth Amendment, all international treaties, the drug laws, habeas corpus, the arts, the judiciary, medicaid, medicare, social security, the budget surplus, unemployment insurance, the voting machines, the states, the governors, the organic farmers, the medical marijuana people, the hemp growers, the unions, the sex educators, the school teachers, the shrinks, even the cops and the firefighters if they get out of line. Everybody, everything that shows the least liberal tendency, we will attack attack attack.
PRESIDENT BUSH: That's right, Karl. It's what they call in Spanish a blitzkreig.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Look what we just did to that wimp Donahue. Now MSNBC is all war all the time, just like Fox and the rest of them. You know the definition of "liberal media," Tom? It's a station that has 100 patriots and one liberal. What the hell are they doing with that damn liberal?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Allowing a liberal on the media is an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: We will ruin these people, Tom. Each and every one of them. Jail them, bankrupt them, ridicule them, isolate them, stomp on them, frighten them, break them, silence them. Jesus is coming, Tom, and he doesn't want any mess.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Saddam Hussein is the anti-Christ. I am the opposite.
KARL ROVE: Democracy is for wimps. We can rig the voting machines. We can fix the polls. The media grovels at our feet.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Ezekial and Revelations, starting in Babylon.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: War is Peace. Slavery is Freedom. Ignorance is Strength.
-----------------------------------------------------
Copyright 2003 by Lee Waters
Re-circulate, but kindly acknowledge the copyright & www.freepress.org.
PRESIDENT BUSH: (Yelling): WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Where's my war? I want my war!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Calm down, George. We've got some problems.
PRESIDENT BUSH: We have NO problems. We are prepared to attack. I say it's time to attack. Billy Graham says it's time to attack. God says it's time to attack. Armageddon won't wait.
KARL ROVE: Well, George, I'm afraid we're no longer on such firm ground. The latest polls here show that 70% of the American public want us to get UN approval before we go to war.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I took care of that already. I said those ridiculous peace marches were irrelevant. We're not running this government by focus group. We're not running this war by some damn hippie pinko peace marchers. We're running it by George W. Bush and the word of God as brought to Earth by the Reverend Billy Graham.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I hate to say it, George, but 70% is too high a number. Especially with Saddam blowing up these missiles. Plus Tony Blair's about to get lynched, which would leave us with Bulgaria and maybe Turkey, if we can pay them enough.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Alright, Dick. Alright, Karl. You tell me. We've dragged, what, 200,000 troops over there. We've pulled firefighters and mail carriers and nurses and electricians off their jobs and away from their families. We're shipping Coast Guard cutters over there, for God's sakes. Now how the hell do we bring them home without a goddam war.
KARL ROVE: It hasn't come to that yet, George. Give us some time, we'll get you a war.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Time!! It's March. It's getting get hot over there. They're gonna have to attack or come home. Why don't you tell the Pope to explain the word of God to the world so we can get this show on the road.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, George, we tried that. We offered the Vatican a ton of money and some serious oil leases. But he still came out against us.
PRESIDENT BUSH: The Pope's against my war?
KARL ROVE: He's old, George. He keeps rambling on about the sanctity of life.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: He's with us on women and abortion. But not the death penalty or Iraq. And I'm not sure we can get away with doing to him what we did to Paul Wellstone. Wellstone was just a Senator. The Pope could drag us all down for a long long time. Like, forever.
KARL ROVE: Plus all this money to the Turks and Bulgarians. It doesn't look good, George. One minute you're telling the governors and the firefighters and New York City there's nothing for them, the next minute you're pumping billions into Istanbul. It's not really playing in Peoria.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Actually, it's not even playing in Istanbul.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, at least John here found the time and money to bust those potheads. Indicting all those bong sellers and medical marijuana patients is just what's needed to guarantee our national security. Give 'em hell, John.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Growing marijuana is an act of terrorism.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, and those ads on the Super Bowl. Nice work, Karl.
KARL ROVE: It's important to keep the public focused on the real threats to our national security, George. Pot. Abortion. Free love. Atheism. Anti-war marches. Liberals. These are the things that undermine our way of life.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Like energy policy. What the hell business is it of those nosy pinko busybodies who I met with?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, sir, you know the Freedom of Information Act did entitle them to find out. That's why the Government Accounting Office was going to sue you.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hah!! Independent watchdog, my ass! One little threat to cut their budget and they caved!. They have no spine and they have no sense of humor. The only meeting I had on energy policy was with Ken Lay from Enron and two hookers.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You and Kenny-boy had prostitutes?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Ha ha ha. You know what a great kidder I am, George. It was two people from Hooker Chemical. Your energy policy was already written by the coal, oil, nukes and gas guys. Ken was just dropping it off and noting a few key passages about deregulation, which he said was netting him a bundle. Jim Baker too, I might add. The Hooker people tagged along to get some pollution permits we promised them.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I got caught with two hookers while I was in the National Guard. Poppy took care of it.
SECRETARY RIDGE: What happened to them, sir?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, lets just say they are no longer a threat to our national security.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Prostitutes who claim to have been with important Christian leaders are admitted terrorists.
KARL ROVE: We've got another problem in Iraq that you're going to be asked about, George. The Iranians are starting to slip troops into the oil fields like they did in the 1980s.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, let Saddam gas them again. That's why we gave him all that stuff in the first place.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We'd love that, sir. As you'll recall, that's why Rummy gave Saddam that big hug. But Saddam destroyed all his chemical and biological weapons in the early 1990s. The media's been keeping that our little secret.
KARL ROVE: I've seen that picture of Rumsfeld hugging Saddam on a few of those damn hippie web sites. Gotta do something about that, John.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Publishing the picture of Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld hugging Saddam Hussein is an act of terrorism.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Iraq's being shark-eaten. Everybody's salivating. If we don't attack soon, those oil fields will be all carved up.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I'm tired of hearing this war is about oil. We know it's about much more than that, don't we gentlemen.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Yes sir. It's about the word of God.
KARL ROVE: And it's about ridding our own homeland of the leftists and the riff-raff and the Democratic trash that might be tempted to vote against us in the future. We've gone to great lengths to purge ourselves of the Bill of Rights and all the other Constitutional roadblocks to clearing out the godless rubbish that infects this nation. And we put everything in place for you to begin high-profile disappearances to scare the hell out of the general populace. You now can arrest anybody you damn well please, anywhere, anytime, with no cause and no evidence. You can hold them indefinitely, you can deny them media access, you can torture them, you can have them raped, you can do whatever the hell you want with these leftist lowlifes. And who do you come up with to lead things off? Sami El-Arian. A Republican professor from south Florida who just last year had his picture taken with George right here in the White House. Are you nuts, John? Who's doing your research?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: He's a towelhead. Got that Arab look. We didn't know he was a Republican.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You know, Karl, in Zaire just before the Rumble in the Jungle between Ali and Foreman, Mobutu shot hundreds of commies. But he also blew away a few of his own people. Kill your opponents, but shoot some of your friends, too. Just to make a point.
KARL ROVE: What point is that, Dick? That we're lunatics that arrest people just for the hell of it?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Exactly. Why do you think we bombed Nagasaki? Keep the edge on. Make 'em ALL nervous. Don't let anybody get too comfortable out there.
KARL ROVE: Well, we had Podhoretz and the rest of our lap dogs yapping it up on these arrests and then this picture turns up of the guy with George here at the White House, which they can frame on their wall right next to Rummy hugging Saddam. Not good, Dick. Not smart, John.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Oh, lighten up Karl.
PRESIDENT BUSH: It's all part of God's plan. Let's arrest Jeb. I'm sick of him.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But sir, you owe him the election. Those votes in Florida....
PRESIDENT BUSH: Poppy made him do it. Jeb wanted to run against Gore in '04. But dad called him. I had to promise to keep his daughter out of jail. You're still on that, right John?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Imprisoning the drug-addicted niece of the president is an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: You took care of Jeb when you hired in Bill Frisch, George. And you've got no worries about 2004. The voting machines are all being hard-wired. Everybody that could organize against you will be in jail long before 2004.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Osama Bin Laden too, right?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, George. We've got him penciled in for October, 2004, right around the anniversary of when your Daddy killed the deal that would've let the hostages out of Iran back in 1980. That's how Ronnie beat Carter. And that's why we've gotta string out this Iraqi situation. We've got to kill about 18 months until we reel in Osama.
KARL ROVE: But should we really allow those elections to happen in 2004?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: As I recall, Nixon and Agnew were going to cancel in 1972. But then the Dems nominated that wimp McGovern and Dick knew he'd win anyway. He was doing some deep backgrounding at the Watergate when that idiot Liddy screwed things up. We won't make the same mistake.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But sir, the American public won't stand for not having an election.
KARL ROVE: Tom, a few bombs are going to go off, very soon. We're going to obliterate Iraq. Our media will whip up the war fever. Once they taste blood, anybody that speaks out is going straight to jail. Rich or poor, Hollywood celebrity or big-time labor leader, they're all going straight to the camps. No more marches. No more internet. No more liberals. Our polls will shoot up and we will shoot to kill.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: We can pick people off the streets now just for criticizing the President. And those bong dealers. And that Jew creep Ed Rosenthal who was raising medical marijuana under contract for the city of Oakland. I loved that John. A city employee doing his job and you had him busted. Five years in federal prison. Now there's a message worth sending.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Asserting states rights is an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: There can be no let-up, no compromise, no slowing down. We want it all. Don't let them know what hit them. Don't give them a minute to regain their balance. We are all-out attacking the environment, abortion rights, minority rights, women's rights, the First Amendment, the Fourth Amendment, the Fifth Amendment, the Fourteenth Amendment, all international treaties, the drug laws, habeas corpus, the arts, the judiciary, medicaid, medicare, social security, the budget surplus, unemployment insurance, the voting machines, the states, the governors, the organic farmers, the medical marijuana people, the hemp growers, the unions, the sex educators, the school teachers, the shrinks, even the cops and the firefighters if they get out of line. Everybody, everything that shows the least liberal tendency, we will attack attack attack.
PRESIDENT BUSH: That's right, Karl. It's what they call in Spanish a blitzkreig.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Look what we just did to that wimp Donahue. Now MSNBC is all war all the time, just like Fox and the rest of them. You know the definition of "liberal media," Tom? It's a station that has 100 patriots and one liberal. What the hell are they doing with that damn liberal?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Allowing a liberal on the media is an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: We will ruin these people, Tom. Each and every one of them. Jail them, bankrupt them, ridicule them, isolate them, stomp on them, frighten them, break them, silence them. Jesus is coming, Tom, and he doesn't want any mess.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Saddam Hussein is the anti-Christ. I am the opposite.
KARL ROVE: Democracy is for wimps. We can rig the voting machines. We can fix the polls. The media grovels at our feet.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Ezekial and Revelations, starting in Babylon.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: War is Peace. Slavery is Freedom. Ignorance is Strength.
-----------------------------------------------------
Copyright 2003 by Lee Waters
Re-circulate, but kindly acknowledge the copyright & www.freepress.org.