Vote for President Bush and Republican Senators and Congressmen if:  

You think $900/month ($10,800/year) is a fair price for a health insurance policy.

*  You believe drug companies should prevent you from buying Canadian drugs at half price.

*   You are a senior citizen and you think you are about to receive all your medication for free because President Bush has passed the “prescription drugs for seniors under Medicare” legislation.

*   You think large tax breaks for CEO’s making over $50 million are good, but your own CEO may have to cut the company budget and eliminate your position.

*   You never work or get paid for overtime so you don’t care about the recent Bush bill that will eliminate overtime pay for 8 million workers. You don’t know any of the 9 million unemployed U.S. and don’t know anyone in Iraq.

*   Your state has a budget deficit of $2 billion but we should spend $600 billion in Iraq.

*   You know Iraq has more oil than any other country in the world, but no one knows where it ends up after it comes out of the ground or who got the money for it.

*  You would like to see us attack Syria, Iran, and North Korea and Cuba at a cost of $1 trillion, because they are bad and are trying to get us and we better get them first. These rogue countries are sneaky and have tens of thousands of nuclear missiles and weapons of mass destruction pointed at us. You don’t know how much $1 trillion is. (Answer: It’s $1,000,000,000,000 or a million million dollars. $1 trillion dollars could pay for 25 million jobs that would pay $40,000 for a year. $1 trillion could employ all of the 9 million unemployed for the next three years. The United States could probably purchase peacefully all of North Korea for $1 trillion dollars.)

*   You are a woman and want abortion made illegal, and want women imprisoned for obtaining one, to teach them a lesson. You can afford to travel to Sweden.

*   You are a man and want to make sure that women having abortions is illegal, and that the men (also known at the “fathers”) who impregnate the women are completely and totally blameless if such a crime is committed.

*   You like Pat Robertson, the TV evangelist. You send him contributions and you pray with him for the “passing” of three Supreme Court Justices.

*   You are 100% for the death penalty and its OK if a few hundred people get executed when they were actually totally innocent. It’s the price we have to pay.

*   You think that 2 million people in jail is normal and we need to lock up even more people. You think we have won the war on drugs because no one ever talks about it anymore.

*   You think $15,000 to $30,000 a year to send your child away to college is just fine and it’s a good buy.

*   You are a doctor and want doctors to be imprisoned for accidentally or purposely causing an abortion.

*   You are a doctor and like spending more time with insurance paper work, pharmaceutical sales reps, your office personnel, your lawyer, phone calls to insurance reps and drug stores, and you find your patients too time consuming and annoying.

*   You are planning to move to China or India and want a job with an American company there. (Working for 35 cents an hour with no benefits).

*   You never visited a National Park (Yellowstone, Yosemite, the White Mountains) and don’t care about them. They look fine on the postcards you get from friends.

*   You are a teacher and think that our educational system is tops in the world.

*   Your town just rejected spending increases of $5 million for additional teachers and much needed reconstruction of the school buildings, and it’s closing a local medical clinic but you think it’s a good idea for President Bush to give $50 billion to a few warring countries in Africa that are in total chaos, so they can build schools, hire teachers, open clinics, and then destroy them as they continue to kill each other in never ending civil wars.

*   You keep getting Liberia mixed up with Lebanon so you don’t really care who gets the $15 billion Bush earmarked of one of those countries.  

*   You like paying $2.00 a gallon for gas because Exxon/Mobil must be hurting.

*   You don’t mind transferring your computer technology skills to serving coffee in Dunkin’ Donuts for $6.00 an hour with no health insurance.

*   You think Saddam Hussein attacked the World Trade Center and can’t remember who Osama bin Laden is. You forgot who had the weapons of mass destruction; us or them.

*   You believe that 40 million people without health insurance isn’t all that bad. You think that the solution is that they just better not get sick.

*  You think that your company enjoys paying most of your health premiums and they probably have never thought about eliminating your position.

*   You don’t know what the Homeland Security Department does, how much it costs your State Government, and you can’t name all the colors on the color-coded alert chart.

*  You don’t live in the Northeast so the electrical blackout didn’t affect you but you think we should spend $18 billion on the electrical grid in Iraq.

*   You think the 150,000 American troops are having fun in Iraq and we should send more to protect the Iraqi’s from the Iraqi’s.

*  You think President Bush and the Republican Party deserves contributions from the pharmaceutical and health insurance industry and you don’t mind paying $200 for a bottle of prescription drugs.

*   You like seeing constant TV commercials for powerful, potentially dangerous prescription drugs because if you didn’t you wouldn’t know you were so sick and your doctor wouldn’t tell you about the drugs without you asking him.

*   You like President Bush’s tough talk and get a kick out of the expressions “we’re gonna smoke ‘em out and bring ‘em ta justice”; “we’re gonna get ‘em dead or alive”;  “bring ‘em (the terrorists) on”; and “we’re gonna get ‘dem folks who knocked down da buildings”, and you think this eloquent speaking, (prepared and reviewed by 100 Presidential speechwriters) enhances our stature in the world.

*   You like to see President Bush getting off the shiny green helicopter with his two dogs and he always smiles and waves and holds hands with his wife and that seems nice.

*   Your main source of information is the Nightly News where you hear 20 minutes of short sound bites from any one Presidential candidate speaking for 15 seconds on the $600 billion being spent on Iraq, intermingled with 15 commercials for pharmaceutical products that “speak” for 30 seconds each. You especially like the chemotherapy and rheumatoid arthriti commercials that show healthy people walking their dogs on beautiful green grass with beautiful sunsets with soothing music; and the commercials where people have been cured of their diarrehea and constipation and can get to work on time. 

*   You voted for Bush’s father when he won and you voted for Bush’s father when he lost. And you voted for this current President Bush when he lost, but then you found out he won because of something in Florida. And it’s easy to remember the name Bush, so you might as well vote for him again.

*  You live in Florida and it doesn’t matter so “let the chips (or the chads) fall where they may”.

I am a former staunch conservative Republican who will vote for Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) a progressive, populist in 2004 for his utmost honesty, integrity, common sense, and well thought out positions on all the important issues facing our country.

  James Boyne

James Boyne is a freelance satirical writer. He has a B.S., an MBA and a degree in Financial Planning. Mr. Boyne is former computer trainer and sales executive for several major corporations. He is an avid public speaker and has numerous public speaking awards. This article is copyright by James Boyne, but permission is granted for reprint in print, email, blog, or web media if this entire credit paragraph is attached