PRESIDENT BUSH: Alright, everybody, on your knees. We've been beat up enough these past few months. It's time to get right with the Big Guy.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Yes, George, I quite agree. It's long overdue.

ALL: Shuffling. Silence.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Dear Lord, we know you are testing us, and that we shall not be found wanting. It is not for nothing that you elected me President. I have allowed the September 11 attacks to occur, as you asked through Reverend Robertson, to put this nation on notice that it can no longer live in sin. We have launched our crusade against the Islamics. We have smited the Saddamites. We are warming the planet with Holy Fire, as revealed in Revelations. This is a time of illusion for those who would do us harm, or attempt to take power from your true servants We all know that I am your Divine messenger, sent to get things right. So please, dear Lord, help us as always, continue to kick liberal butt.

ALL: Amen.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Alright, so lets get down to it. This Kerry guy is pretty tall, isn't he.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Since 1900 the taller candidate has always won the election, sir. You ended that with Al Gore.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Right. Right. But this Kerry fool, tall though he is, was dumb enough to go over to Nam and get shot up. What is he, some kind of nut?

KARL ROVE: He had plenty of money and could have bought his way out like you did. But some of these gung ho types....

PRESIDENT BUSH: Let's get something straight, Karl. I didn't buy my way out of service. My Daddy did. I wasn't dumb enough to go over there and shot up like John Kerry or Max Cleland.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You had other priorities, George. We all did.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I learned to fly, just like my Daddy. It was God's will. Look how just when it was time for me to zoom onto that aircraft carrier and declare victory in Iraq, why, there I was, fully trained, and with a flight suit that fit real nice, too. It's all part of Divine providence.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Amen to that, George.

KARL ROVE: And amen to the fact that when you did all that cocaine you were wise enough to duck your physicals. But it'll be tough keeping it all quiet through November.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Oh hell, Karl, none of that matters. Deficits don't matter. Body bags don't matter. Voters don't matter. What matters is that the touch screens are rigged and ready to go. These liberal ya-hoos can scream all they want. But come November, the tally goes our way. In fact, I can give you the vote count right now.

KARL ROVE: We've seen it, Dick. I just hope you've accepted that your name won't be on it.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Are we final on that, Karl? I mean, are you really sure that's where you want to go?

KARL ROVE: The polls show Giuliani running much stronger than you, Dick. You wouldn't want that ticker of yours to go out at the wrong moment, would you?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, Rudy's got that bad prostate. And that cancer thing. And those mistresses. What about those?

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: Oooo, yah. Those mistresses. I like that. That will play well in California.

KARL ROVE: Dick. Dick. Dick. You've had a great ride. Halliburton's rolling in cash. Your every need will be taken care of. Don't you want to be around to enjoy it all?

SECRETARY RIDGE: Rudy Giuliani will fly on no small planes through November.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Guys guys guys, lighten up. I'm more than ready to take my money and run. Rudy will confuse the hell out of the Democrats in New York. And with Arnold pumping away in California and Jeb counting the votes in Florida again and Hammer locking down Texas, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. I'm just wondering how the Christian Coalition is going to react to this guy.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Pat Robertson gave us the green light. He's given Rudy absolutions.

SECRETARY RIDGE: He will need plenty, sir.

KARL ROVE: We know the Lord will see us through on this one. We've all had our indiscretions, haven't we gentlemen?

PRESIDENT BUSH: HOOOO, doggie!!

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: Oh, yah! And we know how to keep them quiet, don't we?

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Revealing indiscretions on the part of Administration officials is an act of terrorism.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Right, like that jerk who wrote FORTUNATE SON about me. But I'm not sure that suicide thing you cooked up was convincing.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: The young man who wrote that book about you didn't own a gun. He didn't fly on small planes. He didn't use drugs. He was a godless pagan vegetarian like Kucinich. But since he spoke loudly about you, we chose the drug-suicide option. It wasn't credible. But it was quiet, quick and cheap. And, of course, God willed it.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, I don't know why you allow books like that to get published in the first place. It's like those weapons of mass destruction. We knew Saddam didn't have them. But we knew he could some day get them. Same with these damn liberals. They haven't all written books about me. But they might. So we need to take them out, before it's too late.

KARL ROVE: That's for our second term, George. We've plans for a lot of, shall we say, liberal eradication.

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: Oh, yah, about that second term. The polls aren't looking too good. The Democrats are starting to think they can beat us.

ALL: LOUD, PROLONGED LAUGHTER.

KARL ROVE: Arnold, it's wonderful having you to these meetings. You're a breath of fresh Bavarian air.

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: That's Austrian, Karl, you goddam Kraut.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Point is, Arnold, 2004 is a done deal. We're in power, we'll stay in power. We have $150 million the media knows about, and another $150 million they don't. We'll get one billion, two billion, whatever we need by November. Corporate money, Saudi money, gun money, credit card money, drug money, Moonie money, Carlyle money, Enron money. You name it, we'll have it, whatever it takes.

KARL ROVE: Right. So come November, we can be down, what, ten, fifteen points, like George's dad was to Dukakis. And all those damn fool Democrats will be dancing in the streets, just like ol Max Cleland in Georgia. And you know what, Arnold. They're going to lose. They lost in Florida in 2000 and they've already lost in Ohio and wherever else we need them to lose in 2004. Just ask Wally O'Dell.

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: Wally O'Dell?

SECRETARY RIDGE: Mr. O'Dell is president of Diebold, the electronic voting machine company. There are three others major producers.

KARL ROVE: And we control them all. We've let Sequoia look like it has some Democratic ties. But Diebold, ES&S and all the others, they're ours. Tell me, Arnold, what would you like the final vote count to be? We can come within a few thousand votes, just like we did in California.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: I won fair and square in California.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That's right, Arnold, you certainly did. And you will again. How many votes would you like to win by next time?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Yah, but I want to be president.

KARL ROVE: All in good time, Arnold. We'll be changing the Constitution for you. But it'll be next term, just like the gay marriage thing.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Better Arnold than Jeb. Mom likes Arnold. Poppy does too.

KARL ROVE: Yes, George, we can't have it looking like a family dynasty. But we do have some public perception problems. Starting with that damn Alan Greenspan.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, wowser, what a stab in the back, letting the cat out of the bag our plans to gut social security. He's gonna have all those damn elders camped at the White House.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Chairman Greenspan pointed out that with the deficits rising, the government will have to raid the social security funds. Many Democrats have seized on this to arouse their base.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I told Alan long ago that if he ever mentioned social security he may find himself discussing it with Paul Wellstone. I hope he takes note of what we did to Mr. Aristide in Haiti.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Greenspan's pretty old, isn't he? Maybe he could use some of your heart medicine, Dick.

SECRETARY RIDGE: We are losing ground with working people, especially in swing states like Ohio. They say that because our tax cuts went to rich people, we are having a recovery that only benefits the rich, and thus is jobless. So far the statistics bear them out.

KARL ROVE: Diebold will be doing the new labor statistics. I think you'll all be pleased.

SECRETARY RIDGE: We are also losing ground on the environmental issue. And even some of our own major media is starting to say we lied about the war in Iraq.

KARL ROVE: Lied? About the war in Iraq? Just because we planned the war ten years ago? Just because we all knew there were never any weapons of mass destruction? Just because we let the Saudis hit New York on September 11? Just because Saddam hated Osama and vice-versa? Just because we crushed Afghanistan to build that oil pipeline? Just because we're trashing Iraq for their oil and never intend to leave? Just because we don't let anyone photograph the body bags coming home? Just because we'll kill Saddam as soon as he opens his yap? Just because we'll surface Osama in October? Just because we've used the whole terrorism thing to wipe out that damn Bill of Rights? Just because we've made George W. Bush the most powerful instrument of God the world has ever seen? Is that why they say we're lying, Tom?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: How dare they!!

ALL: LOUD, PROLONGED LAUGHTER.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, but I still worry about how tall Kerry is. I'm not going to have to debate him, am I? He'll make me look shrimpy.

KARL ROVE: Al Gore was taller than you, George. He didn't exactly win, did he?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I'm taller than Edwards. Can't we just have Kerry…

KARL ROVE: Shortened? You want him shortened, George? I think we can do that.

SECRETARY RIDGE: I'm not sure how you have someone shortened, sir. We already tried to stick him with a sex scandal.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I've got that covered, gentlemen. Look at these pictures.

KARL ROVE: Farm animals? John Kerry with farm animals?

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: I KNEW this man was a devil.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: George, where did you get these?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I had Matt Drudge down to the ranch. He took some shots of the sheep. Then he did some darkroom work.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: George, nobody is going to believe these. This'll blow up just like the last sex scandal thing we tried.

SECRETARY RIDGE: And those doctored photographs with Jane Fonda. That did not go over well.

KARL ROVE: Well, hell, we did this kind of thing to McGovern, too. Didn't stick. But it was fun while it lasted.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Sir, John Kerry has no history of liaisons with farm animals.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Ann Coulter will run with it. She'll say anything. So will Dennis Miller.

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: Oh, yah. This is great stuff. It reminds me of one of the movies I watched last night with Clarence Thomas. I was in it.

KARL ROVE: George, we don't need these. We've got Osama locked up and ready to go. We've got Rudy. We've got some terrorist attacks in the works. We've got the voting machines. We've got the media. We've got all the money in the world. Lets just hold on to these for a while.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You're right, Karl. It's all in God's hands. Mission Accomplished.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Let us pray.

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Previous LEAKED WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPTS from Lee Waters are available at www.freepress.org.