AUSTIN, Texas -- Ooo, it's getting nasty out there. Do you love the idea that a group from McAllen, that doesn't have to report who gave it money or how much or where it came from or what its purpose is, is running a TV ad accusing Clinton-Gore of treason?

This remake of the infamous classic "daisy ad" from Lyndon B. Johnson's 1964 campaign accuses the current administration of having "sold" the nation's security to "Communist Red China" -- that's as opposed to Communist China, Red China or even just China -- in exchange for campaign contributions. And as a result, China "has the ability to threaten our homes with long-range nuclear warheads." None of which is true, by the way. My favorite moment was when the group's spokesman told The New York Times that the group was formed to bring "accountability" to politics.

Meanwhile, Our Boy George -- the uniter not the divider, the one who promises to restore civility to Washington politics -- is getting so mean that it's creating newspaper headlines. So much for his pledge not to wage a campaign of personal attacks.

AUSTIN, Texas -- As Gen. George Patton said of war, "God help me, but I love it so." I realize that the only people in America having a good time right now are political reporters, but we haven't had this much fun since Grandpa fell in the fish pond. What could be more exciting than David Broder and Tom Oliphant trading thoughts on whether a heavy black voter turnout in north Florida will make all the difference?

OK, Nader voters. Let's talk.

I'm voting for Ralph. I'm voting for Nader because I believe in him, admire him and would like to see his issues and policies triumph in our political life. I'm also voting for him because I live in Texas -- where all 32 electoral votes will go to George W. Bush even if I stand on my head, turn blue and vote for Gus Hall, the late communist.

I know that many of my fellow Nader voters are young people and probably don't want to hear from a geriatric progressive. (We had to walk three miles through the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways.) But I have learned some things just from hanging around this long, and with your permission, I will pass them on.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Great. George W. Bush sounds like English is his second language, and Al Gore sounds like he thinks it's yours. It's like having Ted Baxter of the old "Mary Tyler Moore" show running for president: Gore has Ted's manner, and Bush has his brain.

The oddest thing about this presidential campaign is the extent to which it is almost entirely focused on Gore. His every utterance is parsed in unsparing exegesis by the media. Every nuance of his wardrobe is examined in endless detail. (If he'd taken to golfers' brilliant colors rather than earth tones, what do we think this would have said about his foreign policy decisions?) His every change of debate strategy is read as a clue to the inner man. Indeed, the fact that he changed debate strategy is trumpeted as evidence that he suffers from multiple personality disorder.

My favorite new line by the Bushies is: How Dare They Call Him Stupid? Not that any Gorey has ever called Bush stupid -- but if you imply that they have, it makes them sound condescending. This is getting to be the problem that dare not speak its name.

Earthlings have continued a tradition of bizarre rituals during their planet's current season. A columnist from the Galactic Syndicate provides this analysis:

From afar, we may be inclined to smirk at the activities of humanoid creatures who inhabit the only life-covered orb in what they call "the solar system." But all of us should do our best to understand events on Earth, no matter how strange they may be.

The watery planet, located 93 million miles from its sun, is currently dominated by one nation, the United States of America. Because of its preeminent power on that globe, the governance of the USA is of considerable interest.

While admirable in some respects, Earthlings -- who number several billion -- are not the most self-aware of beings. Their conceits and pretensions are apt to calcify into formulaic rites, often embraced with credulous fervor.

And so it goes in the United States, where a new leader is selected once every 1,460 cycles of darkness and light. Prior to the election, in which some of the USA's citizens vote, events occur which are known as "debates."

Bill Clinton has always been one for the phony reconciliation, the win-win solution, the photo-op deal. The defining moment of his diplomacy was the "handshake" between Rabin and Arafat, offered to the world as the insignia of a decent settlement brokered by America.

It was nothing of the sort. As Israel's guardian, the United States shoved down Arafat's throat a deal that was bound to blow up in the end. What else could one expect of arrangements that saw Israeli settlements relentlessly expand, no right of return for hundreds of thousands of evicted Palestinians, Israeli-Arabs as second-class citizens, Palestinian colonies under Israeli army supervision, and no capital in Jerusalem? In the end, after years of groveling, even Arafat had to say "No."